Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
