....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
