can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
