with your own penis?
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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