Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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