Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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