best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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