i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
