shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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