Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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