nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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