I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
