we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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