I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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