Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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