i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
