shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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