An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
