Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I am midnight drunk by noon
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
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I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
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My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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