your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
