I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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