When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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