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Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
cat food counts as protein by the way
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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