I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
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