You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
