I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Randomize
