GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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