I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
