last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
