I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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