I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
