So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
