My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
