No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
