I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Randomize
