last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Randomize
