Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i will never coherently bang her
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Is Oprah even human
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
