Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
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