I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
