Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Every concussion has its silver lining
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
