Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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