Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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