Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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