My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
