remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
