what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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