Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
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other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
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