you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
