Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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