I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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