worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
