he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
