Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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