I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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