i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
