It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
